We all try to be as productive as possible, but, sometimes we don't get everything on our To Do List done. This then make us feel like we didn't do enough. Like we aren't enough. So what do you do?
You could start to beat yourself over it by thinking about what you didn't do and how you could've done better, criticising every little thing. Or you could be content and accept the amount you've done and move on. However, we tend to choose the first option because it is easier for us to focus on the negatives.
Since many of us experience this, it is common to beat yourself up and criticise yourself in an unhealthy way, but that doesn't mean that it's right: doing so pulls you back from becoming more productive and achieving higher next time.
Here's what you need to know about toxic self-criticism and dealing with it so you no longer beat yourself up after not reaching your expectations:
What is toxic self-criticism?
Toxic self-criticism, or beating yourself up, is a way to reflect upon what you did and how you could have done better. Usually, critiquing yourself is good for improvement, but the version we are talking about is extreme as you continuously belittle yourself and tell yourself a range of negative comments which you would then internalise.
Why does it occur?
Our inner critic doesn't want to harm us. It wants to keep us safe, loved and accepted. It treats all situations as dangerous ones that require a fight-flight-or-freeze response because it fears that our errors can make us an outcast in society - since humans are social beings, that really is considered serious. It does what it does to help us achieve safety by making us ignore pain because it believes that ignoring it is the best way to get through it and by being harsh with ourselves because it also believes that being harsh is a good motivator.
Why is beating ourselves bad?
Firstly, being harsh on yourself is good for short term motivation, but provides to be harmful and problematic in the longterm. This is because you internalise what you tell yourself, just as much as if someone else was telling you the same thing.
Secondly, in some cases of toxic self-criticism, since no one likes being beaten up and experiencing harm or discomfort, you may try to avoid listening to your inner critic by looking for things that justify what you are doing. Like that, you continue whatever bad you are doing whilst avoiding listening to the voice in your head, even if it was right, which could prove to be harmful for yourself.
Thirdly, it creates a productivity paradox that only makes the situation worse. We procrastinate to avoid stress, which then lets time pass by only for the workload to increase, building up more stress which then encourages us to procrastinate further and so on. The more we procrastinate, the more stressed we get and so the harsher and louder the inner critic becomes, becoming meaner too which would add more negative emotions to the stress, making it harder to start working and get everything over and done with.
Fourthly, the things we tell ourselves as we beat ourselves up are so hurtful we would never say them to a friend going through the same situation. Just because we are telling ourselves these negative comments, doesn't mean that it is any less hurtful.
How do I stop doing this to myself?
There are a range of ways to change this bad habit, with meditation and mindfulness not making it to the list. (If we are worrying about the lack of work we got done, sitting and doing nothing will only make things worse.) We need to practice self-compassion. Self-compassion is to treat ourselves kindly and accept ourselves in the way we are and to accept our situation in the way it is. If we treat ourselves as well as we treat others, this could really impact our wellbeing for the better. Self-compassion has nothing to do with narcissism and aggression etc., in fact, those who practice self-compassion are more stable with their self and are better at creating and maintaining relationships.
What is also important is that you understand and accept that it is a normal part of being human to go through difficulty and to have your moments when you aren't as productive as usual. Knowing that you are not alone can help alleviate the weight of the situation.
To deal with toxic criticism you could:
Use the Friend Advice Technique - understand the situation you are in and it's problem; imagine a friend in your situation instead of yourself; write a letter to that friend supporting them and giving them advice; be sure to read the letter to yourself because really and truly, it is a letter for you.
Pay attention to your thoughts - recognise that you are having a negative thought or are criticising yourself too much and stop yourself from entertaining that thought. Label it as your brain belittling you so that all power in that thought is taken away and replace it with something more positive. It may help to have a list you wrote at one point of you achievements and good qualities somewhere you could easily access at all times to read over.
Understand the emotion behind the thought - there is always an emotion behind negative thoughts and find out which particular emotion is behind the very thought currently in your mind. Try to delve in deeper to further understand why you are feeling that way and find another (better) way to deal with it.
Be compassionate to yourself and your inner critic - remember your inner critic only wants to protect and help you so tell it that you understand where it's coming from and why it's acting that way. It will immediately calm down. Compassion must also be practiced with yourself because you are the victim and being mean to yourself any further will not help in anyway.
Find some sort of support - you could talk to a trusted friend or family member, but if you prefer not to then you don't have to: instead you can talk to a therapist or get some professional help.
Treat your mind as a younger child and comfort yourself so you can accept the failure and learn from it and get back up. If you do not then you really will be stuck.
Be realistic - not everything is always possible because we do sometimes overcommit and/or burn ourselves out so we can no longer keep going without a rest. Understand what it is you are working on and what you want to achieve. Then, make sure you break your goal down into smaller steps you can take so it is more manageable. When you take it one step at a time, it is easier to progress as you are now tackling one small thing at a time. It also builds momentum, creating more motivation and capability to complete the next task.
In conclusion
Changing your habits to improve and make things better will need dedication. Nothing comes easy. But things will become easier if you are kinder to yourself and more understanding of yourself too. Remember, just because you are attacking yourself, it isn't any less of an attack. The only difference is that the perpetrator and the victim are the same person. No one makes the rules of how you live your life except yourself. So make sure you are making the right ones.
That's all for today. I'll see you in my next post. Take care! ;)
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